News: Join us as we bring you all the latest on the Golden Joystick award-winners, which we absolutely haven’t known about since early this morning. It’s all a surprise, people!
Earlier we ran a little story on how bloody strange the Golden Joysticks are. With their hyper-sponsorship and the bizarre decision to reveal all the winners to the press hours before the event actually happens (a Rocksteady employee tells me the winners themselves have no idea, so that’s quite funny), it’s sometimes confusing as a journalist to work out why you’re actually there – but hey! Free booze, right?
I reckon we should just pretend, yeah? Everyone loves pretending. So join me for a run-down of the most exciting Golden Joystick winners at what has apparently been a “bigger and better [awards ceremony] than ever” according to associate publisher James Kick, even though it hasn’t happened yet. OR HAS IT???? (No.)
So! No liveblogging software today, so do feel free to refresh the post every couple of seconds. I have no idea why I chose Skyrim as the header image, by the way. Just picked a game at random. Here we go…
15:00 – It’s just after 3 and we’ve been ushered into a swanky hall where lots of people are drinking wine. There has been free booze on offer since 12. Given the nonsense over the last couple of days, I fear this could be a terrible thing.
15:03 – Comedian Ed Byrne comes over to the media desk. “You look like the UN,” he says. “The nerdiest UN in the world.”
15:04 – Lights are off and Future lady (didn’t catch her name) is onstage. 4,000,397 people voted, she reveals, to whoops.
15:07 – There’s a video playing where a load of Future Publishing employees talk about their favourite games of the year. Weirdly loads of people are cheering for some of them.
15:08 – Ed Byrne now turns up in his official capacity as host. I wonder if he’ll crack any more UN jokes.
15:10 – “It’s nice to do an awards show where I understand what the fuck is going on,” he says, to cheers.
15:11 – It is quite nice to have a comedian host at a games awards show who does genuinely understand what the fuck is going on, to be fair. There have been some disasters in the past.
15:13 – While Ed Byrne does some middling material about how your bags always get lost by airports, and also terrorism, I feel we should spend some time speculating on who might possibly win the Golden Joystick for Game of the Year. My guess is 007 Legends.
15:17 – Ed Byrne is now talking about games again. I am starting to need the toilet. The awards last for two hours. So far we are 17 minutes in.
15:18 – As all this is happening, Silvio Berlusconi has just been sentenced to four years in prison for tax fraud. Man!
15:20 – Okay, it’s starting properly now. Christ, this PR system is very loud. Amusingly the announcer is now welcoming Ed Byrne to the stage, even though he already has been on stage for a while.
15:22 – Friend-of-BeefJack Matt Reynolds is up onstage to present the Action/Adventure category. So here it is:
THE SUPER-BRILLIANT TECH PUBLICATION ACTION/ADVENTURE AWARD
3. Uncharted 3
2. Assassin’s Creed: Revelations
1. Batman: Arkham City
15:25 – Okay, strategy game now.
THE STRATEGY AWARD SPONSORED BY A COMPUTER MAGAZINE WHOSE EDITOR HAS A BEARD
3. Might and Magic Heroes 6
2. Total War: Shogun 2 – Fall of the Samurai
1. Civilization V – Gods and Kings
15:27 – Mobiles!
THE MOBILE AND TABLET GAME OF THE YEAR AWARD SPONSORED BY TIM LANGDELL
3. Temple Run
2. Assassin’s Creed: Recollection
1. Angry Birds Space
15:28 – Okay basically there was just a massive explosion and now there is a Hitman: Absolution trailer happening. I just got out of a press conference with Hitman actor David Bateson, incidentally, which will be on an upcoming podcast.
15:30 – Okay, David Bateson is now on the stage to present an award. “Tim Olyphant is crap,” he says. Ouch.
15:32 – This is a bit weird. A man who looks like Agent 47 is presenting an award to a man who looks like Agent 47 for being good at being Agent 47. Huh.
15:32 – Downloadable!
DOWNLOADABLE GAME OF THE YEAR SPONSORED BY OFFICIAL JON HICKS MAGAZINE
2. Walking Dead
1. Minecraft Xbox 360
15:34 – Time for a fight. Ed Byrne is screeching.
FIGHTING GAME OF THE YEAR IN ASSOCIATION WITH BOLLOCKS RAG
3. Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm Generations
2. SoulCalibur V
1. Mortal Kombat Komplete Edition
15:35 – Okay it’s time for a shooter award. I’m not sure who the sponsor actually is, so I’m struggling to make a joke about it.
THE “SORRY, WHO THE FUCK ARE THEY?” SHOOTING GAME AWARD
3. Max Payne 3
2. Modern Warfare 3
1. Battlefield 3
There’s a huge gasp in the room as MW3 comes second, followed by booing. Really, games industry?
15:36 – Time for “geek territory” – MMOs!
THE MMO AWARD PRESENTED BY A FAMOUS DOG
3. Star Wars: The Old Republic
2. League of Legends
1. World of Tanks
“It’s proper panto now!” screams Ed Byrne as League of Legends gets an “Ooooof” from the audience. By the way, it’s really fucking loud in here. No speakers need to be this loud. Genuinely like being at a metal gig.
15:38 – Gaming on the move.
THE BEST HANDHELD GAME OF THE YEAR SPONSORED BY A MAGAZINE ABOUT GADGETS AND ALSO STEPHEN FRY PRESENTING VIA A FUCKING TERRIFYING ROBOT…
Genuinely, Stephen Fry has a Stephen Fry Robot and it is here to present the award. This is the most terrifying thing I have ever seen. Have you fucking seen this shit? Uncanny valley! UNCANNY VALLEY! ABORT!
Okay, let’s get back to it.
3. Super Mario 3D Land
2. Mario Kart 7
1. Uncharted: Golden Abyss
15:41 – The funny thing is that the press were told this morning that a “unique Stephen Fry robot” would present one award. We had no idea what it meant. But that was just spectacular.
15:42 – Top gaming moment.
TOP GAMING MOMENT, SPONSORED BY A “NEWSPAPER” OF NOTE
Hang on, I didn’t catch all that – but Skyrim won with one of its missions. Mass Effect 3 and something else were runners up. I’m sorry guys I was still laughing at the Stephen Fry bot.
15:43 – One to watch! Let’s watch it!
THE ONE-TO-WATCH CATEGORY, SPONSORED BY THE FAMOUS DOG AGAIN
3. The Elder Scrolls Online
2. Assassin’s Creed 3 (which by the way all the press were offered a free copy of today.)
1. Grand Theft Auto V
(Shouldn’t the ‘One to Watch’ category actually be, like, ones to watch? Instead of ones everyone already knows about?)
15:46 – It’s time to celebrate content that should already have been there in the original game.
THE DLC AWARD, SPONSORED BY A MAGAZINE ABOUT A POPULAR GAMES CONSOLE
3. Batman: Arkham City – Harley Quinn’s Revenge
2. Skyrim – Dawnguard
1. Portal 2 – Perpetual Testing Initiative (it gets a very muted cheer)
15:47 – What the hell is the YouTube Gamer award? It seems to be an excuse for Future to plug their video content.
15:48 – So yeah, the YouTube Gamer award, whatever that is.
THE YOUTUBE GAMER AWARD, SPONSORED BY – UH – YOUTUBE. HAHA. GENUINELY.
3. Total Halibut (an absolutely confused silence in the room. “He should win the award for most quizzical faces in a room,” says Byrne.)
2. The Syndicate Project (a bit of muted applause)
15:51 – Roleplaying!
REMEMBER THAT INSTANT MESSAGING SERVICE EVERYONE USED TO USE? IT’S THEIR RPG GAME OF THE YEAR!
3. Mass Effect 3
2. Diablo 3
15:53 – We interrupt this commercial break for a commercial break. A Namco Bandai light show is happening. Genuinely, their logo is being plastered around the room in lights. And there’s a trailer for some game or other. I have never been in a room with so much advertising. Gah! An explosion somewhere! There are so many explosions. Games are about explosions.
15:54 – Sports time.
THE SPORTS CATEGORY SPONSORED BY THAT RADIO STATION THAT USED TO BE OKAY UNTIL KELVIN MACKENZIE TOOK OVER
3. Pro Evolution Soccer 2012
1. FIFA 12 (even though FIFA 13 is already out)
15:56 – That’s really funny, actually. Last year’s game winning this year’s game of the year in a category. Sensible. Okay, so it’s browser-based or Flash game of the year time.
A WEBSITE THAT REALLY LIKES RESIDENT EVIL 6 PRESENTS THE BROWSER GAME OF THE YEAR AWARD
3. Ghost Recon Commander
2. Draw Something (The crowd goes “Awwww!” brilliant.)
15:57 – An interesting choice! Although was it browser-based? I suppose it’s a Unity game, so kinda.
15:58 - Drivin’ in my car.
THE BEST RACIST GAM… NO, WAIT, RACING GAME. SPONSORED BY… OH, ANOTHER FUTURE PUBLISHING SITE.
3. Twisted Metal (somehow)
2. Need for Speed: The Run
1. Forza 4
16:00 - Outstanding contribution time. Everyone’s like chatting over it now.
OUTSTANDING CONTRIBUTION AWARD (WAIT, THERE APPEARS TO BE NO SPONSOR. WHAT?)
It’s EA Sports, for the FIFA series.
Oh wait it was just sponsored by that pesky dog again.
16:02 – Basically this is the year of explosions. There’s a trailer for Metro 2033, preceded by very loud pyrotechnics. I think we are all going to leave this room without our ears.
16:03 – Brilliantly, the embargo on revealing the winners lifted at 4pm, so I can now reveal that the winner of the main was Skyrim, even though it hasn’t been announced yet.
16:04 – Bit of a PR oversight, that. But I followed the rules! Don’t post the winners until 4pm, I was told.
ULTIMATE GAME OF THE YEAR SPONSORED BY OH WHO CARES ANY MORE
3. Diablo 3
2. Battlefield 3
1. Batman: Arkham City
16:05 - Ahahaha only joking it was Skyrim.
16:06 - Okay, that’s it. That was fun, wasn’t it? Goodbye!