BioShock Infinite: The Short Script

Joannes Truyens May 13, 2013 - 2:00 pm

It seems everyone’s talking about BioShock Infinite. Time for Joannes Truyens to throw his voice into the cacophony and cast a cheerfully sardonic light on Ken Levine’s latest. Be warned: it has all the spoilers.

BioShock-Infinite-Short-Script-header

FADE IN:

EXT. COAST OF MAINE – 1912

BOOKER DEWITT is seated in a ROWBOAT alongside THE LUTECE TWINS, ROBERT and ROSALIND.

ROBERT LUTECE

Hmm, we seem to be on a boat.

ROSALIND LUTECE

As opposed to what?

ROBERT LUTECE

I remember it being a plane once.

ROSALIND LUTECE

Curious. Let’s get to the bottom of this.

ROBERT LUTECE

That would require going down. We have to go up.

BOOKER DEWITT

Uhh, when you guys are done with your Rosencrantz and Guildenstern skit, could you tell me what my mission is?

ROSALIND LUTECE

You have to find and rescue a girl who’s being held captive by a winged creature in the highest tower of a distant place. You’re doing this on behalf of someone else and entirely for personal gain.

BOOKER DEWITT

So basically I’m Shrek.

BOOKER is dropped off at a LIGHTHOUSE. He heads INSIDE and finds RELIGIOUS IMAGERY and also A DEAD BODY.

BOOKER DEWITT

Oh my God! There are coins next to this corpse! Ka-ching!

At the top of the LIGHTHOUSE, he finds a SHUTTLE with a CHAIR in it.

BOOKER DEWITT

Hmm, a chair with obvious wrist restraints. I think I’ll still act dumbfounded when they inevitably clamp shut.

As soon as BOOKER sits down, the SHUTTLE TAKES OFF, breaks through the CLOUDS and docks at COLUMBIA, the CITY that told GRAVITY to FUCK OFF.

INT. WELCOME CENTRE – COLUMBIA

BOOKER exits the SHUTTLE and walks into a CHAPEL, which is lit by HUNDREDS OF CANDLES.

BOOKER DEWITT

What is it with religions and the uncanny talent to keep a shitload of candles burning?

He notices that the CHAPEL is partially FLOODED.

BOOKER DEWITT

Okay, I get that this shallow water is supposed to symbolise baptism and maybe even catch people off guard by evoking the feel of Rapture, but have you ever tried to descend a flooded staircase? I’m gonna break my neck.

BOOKER successfully navigates the STAIRCASE and walks up to PREACHER WITTING delivering a SERMON.

BioShock-Infinite-Short-Script-preacher

PREACHER WITTING

And lo, if Ken Levine had simply done another one in Rapture, it would have been enough! And if he had just remade System Shock, it would have been enough!

(smiles at camera)

Is it someone nyeeeeew?

BOOKER DEWITT

I just want to get into the city.

PREACHER WITTING

The only way to Columbia is through rebirth in the waters of baptism! Tough luck if you’re the type who finds that sort of thing offensive.

PREACHER WITTING baptises BOOKER, but HOLDS HIM UNDER TOO LONG.

BOOKER DEWITT

Oh no, a city in the sky and I’m drowning in it, whereas the underwater Rapture allowed no such thing! The irony is killing me!

EXT. COMSTOCK CENTRE – COLUMBIA

BOOKER regains CONSCIOUSNESS and enters COLUMBIA, which looks like DISNEYLAND MAIN STREET U.S.A. as envisioned by BAZ LUHRMANN.

BOOKER DEWITT

How quaint! I’m positive this bright turn-of-the-century slice of idealised Americana isn’t a sheen to cover up a thoroughly corrupted dark side. Surely not.

He walks through a CHEERY FUNFAIR that offers OPTIONAL TUTORIAL FUN for the WHOLE FAMILY.

CONCESSION GIRL

Would you like to try a vigor, sir? They’re like plasmids, but totally free! No need to jam a needle in your arm or harvest the sea slug from a little girl’s stomach lining!

BOOKER DEWITT

You’re just handing these out to anyone? What does this one do?

CONCESSION GIRL

It allows you to shoot a sexy green ghost from your hand that will seduce your target into fighting for you! Here, this Terry Gilliam animation will show you.

Up ahead is a POSTER warning people to look out for THE FALSE SHEPHERD, who has THE LETTERS AD marked on his HAND, just like BOOKER does.

BioShock-Infinite-Short-Script-falseshepherd

BOOKER DEWITT

Oh no, they’re looking for me based on a weirdly specific identifying mark! If only there were some piece of clothing that I could comfortably fit over my hand. Ah well.

BOOKER passes through the FUNFAIR and approaches A PODIUM where ROBBER BARON STEREOTYPE JEREMIAH FINK is hosting A RAFFLE.

JEREMIAH FINK

Step right up, people! It’s time for our annual celebration of religiously instituted white supremacy!

BOOKER DEWITT

Say whaaaaat?

After BOOKER is given AN ALL-AMERICAN BASEBALL, a CAPTIVE INTERRACIAL COUPLE is wheeled out.

BOOKER DEWITT

So uncool!

JEREMIAH FINK

Now, will you partake in this hate crime and maintain your incredibly flimsy cover or throw the ball at me and risk exposing yourself? Choose!

BOOKER DEWITT

What an agonising moral dilemma! Am I a racist scumbag or not? Eh, I’ll just see what happens when I throw the ball at the couple on my second playthrough.

Right before BOOKER throws the BASEBALL at FINK, he is STOPPED by a POLICE OFFICER.

POLICE OFFICER

Look, he’s got AD on his hand! Why am I the first to notice this? We put those posters up for a reason, people!

JEREMIAH FINK

Quick, bury your trusty buzzsaw grappling hook in his face!

The POLICE OFFICER brings out A SKYHOOK. BOOKER manages to TAKE IT and GRINDS OFF THE OFFICER’S FACE, which causes the CROWD to MAGICALLY VANISH INSTANTLY because VIOLENCE.

BOOKER DEWITT

Whoa, I’ve only just come to terms with the sudden revelation of racism. Let’s space the jarring transitions out a bit more.

After killing A BUNCH MORE POLICE OFFICERS, BOOKER suddenly runs into THE LUTECE TWINS, whose FOPPISH ACCENTS and MUSICAL MOTIF makes it seem like they came straight out of NO ONE LIVES FOREVER.

BOOKER DEWITT

The fact that you guys managed to follow me up here utterly underwhelms me.

ROSALIND LUTECE

We visited the Halo universe and got you a recharging shield!

ROBERT LUTECE

We also stopped by the Team Fortress 2 universe on the way back and arranged for randomised gear drops in the form of jaunty hats and other assorted clothes that do weird things.

BioShock-Infinite-Short-Script-lutece

ROSALIND LUTECE

Now, the girl you seek resides within the statue of Columbia over there. You’ll have to use the skylines to get there. They’re meant to ferry cargo throughout the city, but most of them are just closed loops covering a single area.

ROBERT LUTECE

Kind of like this game’s storyline, if you stop to think about it.

ROSALIND LUTECE

Oh right, inescapable determinism! We forgot to demonstrate that with a coin toss.

ROBERT LUTECE

We’ll do it next time. It was just going to be heads again anyways.

BOOKER takes out his SKYHOOK, which YANKS HIM UP to the SKYLINE.

BOOKER DEWITT

Fucking magnets, how do they work?

After traversing the SKYLINE and NOT DISLOCATING HIS SHOULDER, BOOKER sees a VIDEO DEVICE that displays the face of ZACHARY COMSTOCK. His VOICE is OVERLAPPED with an ECHO in a DEEPER PITCH, which makes him sound like THE MANY.

ZACHARY COMSTOCK

You have come from the Sodom below to lead our lamb astray! I see every sin of your blackened soul! God, I love this biblical talk. You can just keep going, you know? Archangel! Prophet! Flock! Amen!

BOOKER DEWITT

Who are you?

ZACHARY COMSTOCK

I am Zachary Comstock, leader of the Founders. I created Columbia so that I could run it as a theocratic dictatorship that reveres the Founding Fathers as deities.

BOOKER DEWITT

Didn’t Thomas Jefferson coin the phrase “separation of church and state”? And I’m pretty sure Benjamin Franklin promoted egalitarianism. Then there’s George Washington, who fiercely opposed --

ZACHARY COMSTOCK

Silence! Kill him, my loyal minions!

SCREAMING SOLDIERS come running into BOOKER’S BULLETS.

BOOKER DEWITT

Hmm, seems religion turns you just as crazy as plasmids.

INT. MONUMENT ISLAND – COLUMBIA

BOOKER enters the STATUE and learns that THE GIRL is being CAREFULLY MONITORED. He locates ELIZABETH, who looks like ALL OF THE DISNEY PRINCESSES, right down to the FREAKISHLY HUGE EYES.

BioShock-Infinite-Short-Script-elizabeth

ELIZABETH

Eek, who are you? I’d go wide-eyed with surprise if that wasn’t already my default face!

BOOKER DEWITT

My name is Booker DeWitt. I’m here to rescue you.

ELIZABETH

Let’s go! Come on, it’s this way!

(notices two-way mirrors)

Wait, they were watching me this whole time?

BOOKER DEWITT

How exactly do you know the way round a place that still springs that kind of surprise on you?

BOOKER and ELIZABETH are then ATTACKED by SONGBIRD, a GIANT BIOMECHANICAL PARAKEETMAN.

BOOKER DEWITT

Holy fuck, what the hell is that thing?

ELIZABETH

That’s my guardian, but they patterned his behaviour after an abusive boyfriend for some fucked up reason!

SONGBIRD

LIZ WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU RIGHT!

SONGBIRD chases BOOKER and ELIZABETH to the top of the STATUE, where he PUSHES THEM OFF. They fall into A BODY OF WATER. SONGBIRD chases after BOOKER, but is forced to RETREAT when the WATER PRESSURE cracks his EYE VISOR.

BOOKER DEWITT

Isn’t he supposed to be your protector? Why did he prioritise chasing me over rescuing you when we both went into the water?

ELIZABETH

It’s just so typical. And he always has an excuse.

SONGBIRD

BABY I’M SORRY I JUST LOSE CONTROL SOMETIMES I’M SO PASSIONATE ABOUT YOU!

EXT. BATTLESHIP BAY – COLUMBIA

BOOKER washes up on an ARTIFICIAL BEACH alongside ELIZABETH.

ELIZABETH

I just found out that my entire life is a lie, after which I almost fell to my death. Instead of dealing with that in any sort of meaningful way, I’m going to focus on that enchanting music I hear!

BOOKER DEWITT

It sure fits the mood of all these beachgoers not having reacted at all to a bridge collapsing in the water. Followed by a huge angry parakeetman.

ELIZABETH

I’m gonna go check out that music.

BOOKER DEWITT

Even though you’re the entire purpose of my presence here, run along. Whatever.

A little while later, BOOKER catches up to ELIZABETH, who is DANCING.

BioShock-Infinite-Short-Script-dancing

ELIZABETH

This music is so lovely look at me dancing oh my gosh cotton candy is too tasty ooh how wonderful what is that sparkly thing over there?

BOOKER DEWITT

You are so going to be played by Zooey Deschanel in the inevitable movie.

ELIZABETH

Now I want to go to Paris, even though I’ve already demonstrated that I can do that whenever I want to!

BOOKER DEWITT

Well, you’re in luck! There’s an airship called the First Lady that’ll head for Paris as soon as we steal it.

On the way to the FIRST LADY, ELIZABETH is GRABBED by COMSTOCK’S MEN, but BOOKER BRUTALLY MURDERS THEM UNTIL THEY DIE FROM IT.

ELIZABETH

I can’t believe you did that! You’re a monster aaaand I’m okay with it.

BOOKER DEWITT

Good, because me murdering people is going to happen a lot more. It’s basically all I do. Don’t worry, I’ll protect you, since looking after headless chickens is every gamer’s favourite thing to do.

ELIZABETH

No, I don’t need any protecting during combat. Nobody seems to ever target me anyway. It’s actually my job to look after you by throwing supplies at you.

BOOKER DEWITT

So it’s basically the AI’s turn to feel the frustration of an escort mission.

EXT. SOLDIER’S FIELD – COLUMBIA

BOOKER and ELIZABETH head for the FIRST LADY’S AERODROME, which is behind A LOCKED DOOR.

ELIZABETH

Hang on, I can pick that lock for us. I taught myself when I was in the statue.

BOOKER DEWITT

Of course, because you always allow a prisoner to read up on lockpicking.

ELIZABETH

There’s the First Lady! Hmm, looks like we need the Shock Jockey vigor to activate the gondola to get to it.

BOOKER DEWITT

Right, I almost forgot about the endless detours. Let’s get to the Hall of Heroes and uncover the plot point that comes with it!

They get in an ELEVATOR to the HALL OF HEROES. While BOOKER PUSHSTABS the BUTTON, ELIZABETH is bothered by a BEE.

ELIZABETH

It’s going to sting me! Hang on, I’ll open an interdimensional tear to get rid of it.

BOOKER DEWITT

You’re introducing your powers not through desperate necessity in the face of overwhelming adversity, but because of a goddamn bee? I hope it’s not a precedent that manipulating the spacetime continuum is your first response to ostensibly trivial matters.

ELIZABETH

I can help you in combat by opening tears and bringing in useful supplies. All that other stuff I could do in the trailers is gone.

BOOKER DEWITT

Including that thing where you smoosh a lot of pots and pans together to form a deadly projectile? I had a feminist joke prepared for that.

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